Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Mossmeow's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
12:32 pm	Day-off musing See, the problem with "Fool me once, damn you. Fool me twice, damn me" is that it assumes that: - No one ever makes mistakes - There is no such thing as a misunderstanding - No one ever has off-days Living by that principle, only knowing people who have never, ever, in any way, betrayed, hurt or disregarded you, I'm sure would lead to living a lonely, little life. Current Mood: cynical Current Music: Kylie - cos the bitch tried to kill me last night (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 18th, 2004
6:13 pm	Fortuity in extortion This afternoon, I went to a pub in the city to work on my novel. I sat, and wrote a bit, thought a bit, wrote a bit, and realised that I was going to need to go into a fair bit of detail fairly soon about the occupation of my main character - children's party clown. I knew that he would need to be written making balloon animals and such-like, but knew very little more. On the way home in the train, this kid starting playing guitar and harmonica, systematically going from one end of the carriage to the other expectantly with a box for "donations". Nearly everyone gave money. Enterprising, you think? Well, maybe, if the kid had benn ANY BLOODY GOOD AT ALL!! He was dreadful, rarely have I ever seen so many people wincing in unison. I was suffering less than most, since I was listening to my diskman (louder than I normally would, too!). I scowled, refused to open my wallet, and thought about the fact that, basically, we were all a captive audience and that this was nothing but extortion. Having canvassed my carriage, and then the next one along, the kid sat back down again, one bank of seats in front of me, facing me. And started making balloon animals with super long balloons!! I realised the connection I was being given, grinned to myself, and tuned back into the music I was listening to. The line which was being repeated as I did so was, "Called and rescued, called and rescued". Sometimes the world just answers when you call. I love when that happens. Current Mood: "Having written" Current Music: MIA - Foo fighters (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 9th, 2004
3:30 pm	grrrrr! I am angry at LJ, it tried to scare me to death last week. Current Mood: distrustful of lj (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 2nd, 2004
4:51 pm	Just to let you know My "mourney" post the other day doesn't mean that I was, or am, sad. I just kinda jump into my emotions with both feet, or rather, as in the case of that one, grab hold of an emotion speeding past me and catch a lift with it, until it dissipates, when I am left holding air (literally!). And I have definitely evened out in mood a lot over the past couple of weeks, which is really nice. I think I may have underestimated the destabilising effect in my life and on me of my new job. I am still somewhat uncomfortable, not as confident as I would like in the position, but it is already much much better. 8-6 though, with half an hour for lunch - a full day, eh what? ( Yes, a quiz result - don't hit me! ) Current Mood: tired but cheerful Current Music: Fox FM on the work radio (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 28th, 2004
6:28 pm	There's something about a teardrop on a gloved fingertip Sometimes I find that I just need to mourn, mourn without any interceding intellect telling me that there is no "purpose" in mourning . . . I mourn for all those tiny losses of innocence, despite the fact that they were lessons and growth, that they were necessary . . . I mourn for the wonderful people who are no longer in my life, even though those people are now different but equally wonderful people, in my current life . . . I mourn for the loss of situations I would now, with greater life experience, avoid like the plague . . . I mourn for the naive confidence to fling myself into something I know I will pay dearly for later . . . I mourn for that exact tree-shape, silhouetted against the sky only half a kilometre from here, on the way home from a house I never cared much for . . . I mourn every headspace no longer achievable, no longer containable within my now differently-shaped mind and heart, simply because of the passing of time . . . I mourn every me . . . I mourn for something about all of you . . . Current Mood: calm (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 27th, 2004
1:42 pm	Mind playing tricks I had totally forgotten about that last post! OK, no, its not that memorable anyway - but still weird for me - posting is not something I do that often, after all. Most disconcerting - I happened to check my hotmail account and saw a few LJ responses, and freaked out (becuase what I do remember is posting to my unofficial journal on Friday night). Hee hee - ah well. I am so tired lately, yeah I've had a few nights of really broken sleep, but I had 10 hours sleep last night, and 12 hours sleep the night before, and today I am still so tired that I think my shields are utterly down. I went shopping earlier and found that I must be doing my patented projecting-myself-as-invisible thing. It mostly tends to happen only when I am in a certain mindset, not very confident, not feeling very physically co-ordinated or capable, somewhat slower reactions than normal, give or take some strong feeling of depression or anger (not currently present, but these often go with this mood/headspace). But strangers' behaviour towards me changes completely, the normal acknowledgements of another person's existence just don't happen, people try to walk through me, looking through me the whole time, people stand and stop in front of me while I am walking, I am ignored when I stand aside for someone or hold a door for someone . . . etc. And it all goes back to normal when I meet up again with my mother, and walk alongside her. This used to make me really angry, and I would get very shitty with people in general when this happened - but that doesn't really benefit anyone or help the sitation and I just have to accept that sometimes I do not mark out my existence or my presence as strongly as most people do automatically. Actually, this probably ties in with the 50% success rate with "automatic" sliding doors - I often have to stomp around in front of them for a minute or so before I can get them to "see" me! Anyone seen that Simpson's episode where Bart sells his soul, and has similar problems? Maybe I don't have a soul . . . =) Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: Hey Jealousy - Gin Blossoms (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 25th, 2004
8:13 pm	I have . . . . . . nothing of interest to say at this time. =) Current Mood: bored Current Music: Solution - Powderfinger (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
1:53 pm	A whinge, cos I can - I don't want to study for my exam tonight - I don't want to GO to my exam tonight - I don't want to have to leave by 7am tomorrow morning to meet my boss at Burnley so I can catch a lift to Sunbury with her - I don't want to spend tomorrow in Sunbury with my boss, doing god only knows what, stuck there until late no doubt, until I can get a ride back home again - I don't want to be sitting here bored, with no one to call and talk to/at, no one available to help me procrastinte. Yes, I can procrastinate quite well by myself, but it's much less fun this way. What I do want: Boils down to 3 main things. - I want to sleep - I want warmth - I want human physical contact, hugs, kisses, cuddles, mmmmmmm Current Mood: apathetic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, June 7th, 2004
1:36 pm	Whadda you reckon? Is it better to be up and down like an emotional yoyo, or to be down all the time? The yo yo's better, right? Right? (I think I might actually *prefer* to be consistently down in some ways, then I might be able to form an internally consistent concept of self-identity) Current Mood: yoyo-ey (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 5th, 2004
1:23 pm	Call me morbid . . . . . . but this site tells me that I am going to die on Sunday, June 22, 2031. Seems like a fair run - I can deal with that. It does mean my life is more than half over though . . . hmmm . . . Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Live-in skin - Foo Fighters (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 29th, 2004
6:06 pm	I update . . . Oooooh, life is better. Better better better . . . Had a pretty good week all up, last week. Got a job on Monday - the job I actually wanted, well-paid, conveniently-located, the ideal number of days per week, and working for a woman who strikes me (at this early stage, anyway) as being one of the rare people who are assertive, but not aggressive. (Actually, the long version is that I got offered a job on Friday, a crappy, badly paid job. So I phoned the lovely Kellie - see above description of new boss - on Monday and told her that I had been offered something else but *really* what I wanted was to work for her. She got back to me with an offer within 2 hours =) Ph33r my negotiating skilz!) And the dreaded assignment went in on Wednesday. A couple of links miraculously broke between the final test at my house and uploading my site onto the Swinburne server, but hell, at least its over! I feel as though a weight has been lifted. Which indeed it has. Personal life traumas also sorted out I think (not going into those here *tease* *tease*) The best bit, to my mind, is that once the fear is out of the way of my vision, I find it so much easier to look to the future with clarity, hope and enthusiasm. So much more enjoyable that way, doncha think? =) Have a great weekend, all! Current Mood: chipper Current Music: Spice girls (no one knows why) (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 15th, 2004
5:43 pm	What is underlying . . . Me lying underneath the weight of the world – or at least that’s what it feels like. Since the inners of my head got much better for me a while back, I have been a strong believer that there is always a way out – no matter how trapped and hopeless I feel, there is something I am just not seeing, something which I am overrating the importance of and therefore retaining in my life, which is keeping me in an unpleasant but unnecessary situation. Although I still have this faith somewhere, deep down, I just cannot see the way right now. I am fighting very hard at the moment. I will not give up easily. I hate depression – hell, I suffered from it almost constantly all my life until 2 years ago – and I don’t want to hate myself anymore. It got very very dull. And I got very very dull, too. I am carrying too much. And most of it is not carrying me back. Yes, it *is* that simple. I will no longer throw endless energy and emotion into a big black hole which does nothing but suck it up, with nary a burp to show for my trouble. The abstraction, the attitude behind it all, is what makes the difference, in my experience. I create my own situation from inside my head. So it is not that surprising that I getting screwed around a bit lately. I am expecting it. I am allowing it. The world only exists if *I* say it can - only can impinge on me and my freedom if I can see a way that it may. Belief is the strongest thing in this universe. (Yes, I am yet another peson who's come onto LJ to be depresed at it. But hell, I haven't done this to you all before, I don't think. I think it might be the idea of being a part of a community without having to actually interact with anyone at a weak and vulnerable moment - that is what is appealing to me.) Current Mood: depressed but fighting (4 Comments |Comment on this)
5:14 pm	What is overhanging . . . What I am doing lately: - Centrelink had no sooner started paying me ridiculously small and unliveable-on amounts of money, than (a month ago now) I was told I was eligible for "Intensive Assistance". This means that I have been attending "seminars" (I use the word, with its connotations of learning, laughingly, mmm, maybe a little bitterly as well) every day for the past 4 weeks. I am told today, having spent nearly as much time looking for work as I would spend at a fulltime job, that, my designated hours finished, I still have to attend something called "The Job Club" (doesn't the name make *you* all want to be members too? It's like a party in Centrelink and everyone's invited) twice a week, well, *forever* it would seem. - I am inundated in job interviews. I have two each day for almost the next week. Great, say Centrelink - no doubt you will be getting a job very soon then. By sheer statistics, so one would think likely. Except for the fact that they are nearly all agnecy interviews. What happens is this: I apply for a vacant position which sounds alright, they phone me to make an interview time, I go along to the interview, register with their agency, jump through all their hoops. Then they tell me that the job which I applied for has been taken or is closed. We will "keep an eye out for you though" they say helpfully. Then, naturally, I never hear from them again. - I am nearing the end of a particularly intense and technical semester of my course. The subject "Developing Web Sites" has me in *way* over my head. I am not altogether sure how much of this is due to the fact that I am not as technically-backgrounded as most of the class, and am therefore starting behind the 8-ball, and how much has to do with the fact that the teacher is really not great. You know how it is - she means well, bless her, she just seems to speak a different langauge than what I do speaks. My next assignment involves creating graphics, too - and I am the least visual person you can imagine who is not (quite) legally blind. So probably best if no one asks me what I've been up to . . . Current Mood: drained (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 12th, 2004
9:24 pm	Getting closer . . . I can feel myself getting caught up in the small things of life at the moment, the trivial things which feel like such overwhelming problems until they are put in perspective. So now I need to learn again to look at the world around me. To really see the beauty inherent in the being of that tree over there, to stop to feel my own being inside me, instead of allowing it to be clouded by petty things. A direct connection between myself and the world, nothing in the way anymore. That way I know I am really alive, every second. Current Mood: trying to see (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 6th, 2004
10:33 pm	OK, let’s try this LJ thing again . . . I am regrets at the moment. I hate those regrets where not only can you not do anything to reverse the situation now, but you know that you could not have done anything else, not really. ( For instance . . .  ) Current Mood: twitchy (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 18th, 2004
12:03 pm	Looking forward to having a social life again . .. I am moving! (Please note: all apparent excitement over this fact is faked). But I have gotten a nice place to live which is hopefully *without* Real Estate Agents trying to take over, which will be very nice indeed. And we get to stay in Surrey Hills - a definite bonus. It's a nice suburb, one in which I feel no nervousness about walking home in the middle of the night . . . which ties back into the 'social life - come baaaack?!" theme . . . I want to walk home at dodgy hours of the night, and know that it doesn't matter cos I don't have anything pressing on the next day. Assignments get larger as they come closer, it seems. Despite having no other commitments right now other than moving/packing/organising for the move, that and the assignments, I am not sure where I am going to find the time. I can't even imagine how I would feel if I were working right now. To me, this feels like another sample of the world fitting around me, maybe I am really beginning to learn how to fit in around the world. Joblessness does not feel like a *bad* thing right now - it feels like a blessing, a necessity. In the beginnings of flux between an old space I have set up for myself, and a new space which has not yet been set up, and thus does not yet exist, I am a little less grounded than usual. So more flighty, more likely to go on impulse, more likely to make plans at the last second, and, worst of all, to cancel plans at the last second. This is a relatively new tendency in me (last couple of years - before that, steady as a rock), and I do try not to give it control. Because I hate that sudden realisation that the last 3 or 4 times I spoke to x person I love, it was to cancel plans, to refuse an opportunity, to run out early. Anyway . . . watch this space for house cooling/warming party plans. Moving is just such a great excuse to have a gathering! Current Mood: busy (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 9th, 2004
3:23 pm	Quite apt, actually . . . ( I am the Hermit ) Current Mood: restful day (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
12:01 pm	I feel so violated A team of scary pushy corporate suits just came through my house, peered at everything and made comments, and took pictures of all my stuff. No, I haven't finally been caught by the law - my landlord has decided to sell this house, and has given us 56 days notice as of yesterday. For some reason, it was apparently necessary to bring 8 real estate agent representatives through my house (one of them came through 2 days ago - now they're multiplying). I don't even know if I had to, by law, let them through - and I wish I'd thought to ask whether I was obligated to let them take photos, I have a real problem with that. And, now I think about it, they took photos of my TV and other expensive stuff, these pictures will of course be plastered up on various websites and stuff, with the address, and we could get break ins. I don't want to move. I'm not ready to leave here. I'm not done. It feels wrong. Current Mood: crying (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 1st, 2004
12:13 pm	Your mother drinks tap water in Adelaide! I can count on one hand the number of people on my friends list who are likely to get that reference – waves to butchmaiden! (It’s the Doug Anthony Allstars. ‘Nuff said.) Dr_Nic, I like your 5 good things/5 bad things format. I hereby pilfer. =P Good things 1. Glenelg beach. Any beach this close to the city in Melbourne would never be allowed to remain this nice. I put it down to the much larger number of people rattling around my home town. 2. The city-Glenelg tram, which has conductors. I miss those. Though at least it means that, in Melbourne, riding in trams is free of charge. 3. Glaring at the church which took 7 years of my mother’s life, treating her as its personal slave, using as the chain constant implications that she wasn’t ‘holy’ enough. 4. The calm and peaceful atmosphere of both the West Terrace Cemetery, and the Botanic Gardens. Lovely for my head, for my heart, for my spirit. 5. Meeting up with morrigan77 (Adelaide’s cutest goth chick!) for drinks on Friday night. Saw some of her fellow dancers shakin' their thang, chatted with them afterwards, and of course, the beautiful d&m with just morrigan77 and I. You really did help, sweetness. =) Bad things 1. Very sore feet from almost constant walking for 2 days 2. A broken camera, which allowed me to get only 4 shots before deciding to spaz out and expose the rest of the film. When I bought it another roll of film, it systematically exposed that as well, all the way though. It isn’t even my camera – but hopefully the friend who leant it to me, who has a snazzy new one now, will not be upset at me for ‘breaking’ it. 3. Not being able to stay out longer with morrigan77 – I had my bus to catch the next morning early, and had to run away at midnight, only a few beers to the wind. 4. The movies which were put in front of us on the bus on the way back. Most notably, King Ralph (I remain unconvinced that England would EVER voluntarily put an American on the throne), and Junior (the current governor of California as male pregancy experiment - I'm sorry, but ever time I look at him now, I think of how damn sleazy he is. Ewwww! *chokes*). Why do they hate us and want us to suffer?? 5. My head, though nice and quiet most of the time, got noisy again as soon as I got back into Melbourne. *Sigh* Ain't it always the way? But I'm so glad I went, it was fabulous. I think sometimes my only true talent might actually be travelling. OK, it benefits no one else, but it certainly benefits me =) Travel is just such great stuff for perspective. Current Mood: bored (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 27th, 2004
4:36 pm	See you soon! I have been feeling, for some days now, a strong need to blow this lil’ ol’ popsicle stand we call Melbourne. So I’m off tomorrow. Nope, nowhere interesting – just Adelaide =). Just because I haven’t been there before, and I really should have a wider knowledge of this wide brown land than I do. And there may not be much to do in Adelaide (certainly, that is the impression my Lonely Planet is giving me), but it’s partly about the physical movement anyway. For some reason, being transported, watching scenery go by, helps me clear my head, makes things make more sense, helps to remove that feeling of being trapped within a particular headspace. And it feels like a long time since I’ve been able to see clearly. While I was working, I assumed that I would be able to regain that sense of clarity once I had more time and was more relaxed. OK, well, that didn’t work so good. I’ve had moments of happiness and clear vision, but they’ve been just that – moments. I want days, dagnammit! Weeks! So I’m running away. But I’ll be back in a few days. And hopefully I’ll be feeling a lot more positive about this city when I do. I really do like Melbourne, but I know this resentment I currently feel towards it is going to continue to grow until I get away from it for just a little while. Wish me enlightenment . . . Current Mood: hopeful (9 Comments |Comment on this)